May 25th 2023

Published on 7 June 2023 at 21:02

Today I had another seizure after being seizure free for almost 2 months. Its crazy to think that I have been having seizures for over 20 years. To me that is mind blowing and I am sure many readers can say they have had them longer or more frequent than myself. Power to you my friends, it is not an easy journey! One journey many people will never understand. (Our bodies have sustained a lot of impact) To be honest I always get in my head when I haven’t had a seizure for over 45 days. It’s almost like a mind game I play with myself. I think “yes the meds are working” or “maybe the trying to de-stress myself is helping”. I talk to myself and hype up thinking this could all go away, and I never have to deal with this, and I can somewhat have a normal life again. Then I have a seizure and my high of positivity falls back down and my eyes open to reality.


This seizure happened in the early hours of the morning while I was still in bed. I woke up around 330am because I have been having problems sleeping. I saw my ex-boyfriend texted me not but 10 mins prior, so I responded. He was awake (he’s a night owl) and we spoke for a little while. Next thing I know I wake up with my cheek hurting. I thought wow I must have slept hard last night for my face to be sunk in the pillow so hard. I woke up in my bed like normal. When I came around to seeing myself in the mirror, I instantly knew something had happened. I had a bruised right eye which was the same side my cheek was hurting. Realizing that I must have hurt that whole side of my face for I can barely touch it without it feeling sore. I also saw I had scratch marks on the left side of my chest.


I still got up and got my 2-year-old ready for school and had our nanny pick us up and drop her off to daycare and me off to work. When I got to work, I told my boss about what happened, and I needed some headache medicine. The rest of the day was a blur. My ex did tell me I went silent on the phone while texting and he just assumed I fell back asleep (I am an early to bed sleeper). Seems like that wasn’t the case at all.


Looking at it now, I am thankful to be here today to share my story and be able to write about and document that morning. I could have easily died by suffocation or fallen off the bed and hit my head without another adult in the house. Unlike many of you I can say I don’t have seizures multiple times a day. I do however tend to seem to have them around every 45 days which falls right around my menstrual cycle where I am sure my hormones are a big trigger. That is the only pattern I can narrow my seizures down too. Everyone is different. I rarely have auras and due to the rarity of them I don’t realize what they are and continue about my day without putting too much thought into what is happening, like maybe I need to sit down. Sometimes I wake up confused and other times I am awake during the whole seizure not being able to move any part of my body. It’s like sleep paralysis, which is a surreal and terrifying experience, one I wish upon no person in their lifetime.


It worries me that my daughter was in the house as well, while this was going on. Just her and I. Now the path of what ifs and more what ifs arise. Should I do this or maybe I shouldn’t do this, appear. My subconscious is telling me one thing, but should I listen? I am truly worried that I could potentially one day harm her. But as I’m sure many will disagree; I am stubborn and selfish in the fact that I believe epilepsy shouldn’t dictate if my child is under my care or not. I realize that is not always the case for some stories have no choice or say in the matter, and I understand where other opinions come from. I respect those opinions; however, every story is different and for me, my daughter will grow up understanding what is happening to mommy and not flee from it. She will know how to handle those situations if they continue to arise as she gets older. Shielding her from my pain with epilepsy will only make it harder for us to be together, just the two of us. I appreciate those that read this blog entry. It was truly to document what happened during those moments and for me to have a diary of when this occurred too, I can reset the clock till if or when I have another.


For those with epilepsy and those reading that have family and friends with epilepsy, every day alive is a day worth celebrating like it’s the last one. Keep fighting, don’t let epilepsy control you or how you live your life. I wish you good luck my friends 😊.

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